Between love and skate: Maine Roller Derby tryouts

Roller skates.

They've been witness to heartbreak, alright.

Like the weepy Skate Night evening of 6th grade, when the final "couples skate" came and went and the painful roller skate reality sunk in: Peter Jones* was not, in fact, going to ask me to join him on the oblong hardwood, where we'd glide along to the tune of Timmy T's "One More Try" and I'd weigh the pros and cons of an outdoor wedding.

Tragedy, of the Junior High kind.

But roller skates don't need to be forever linked to 80's slow-song misery.

We can take back the laces, the rubber wheels, the front stopper. We can return to a time before inline, when roller skates were a primary method of transportation, when the ability to cross one skate over another around a curve was a sign of supreme intelligence.

We can trade heartbreak for hip checks.

You see, the Maine Roller Derby is recruiting.

The local flat-track team is looking to beef up its ranks. All ladies 18+ are invited to try out this Sunday, 6-8 pm at Happy Wheels in Portland.

If you garner a melancholy memory of roller skates past, consider this your call to action. No longer will the blended scent of nacho cheese and spray disinfectant send you into panic (though maybe it should). The paired colors of brown and orange will never again signal defeat. They'll instead represent your new-found quad-skate empowerment.

Maybe you haven't donned skates in years. Maybe you hide a pair in the kitchen pantry and wear them while your mini chocolate cakes firm up inside the Easy Bake Oven. Maybe your reversion therapy backfired.

Either way, you owe it to yourself to put your skates in their rightful place. Who knows, a fishnet-wearing, hip-slinging, tough-as-nails alter ego just might find her way out.

And should you meet an opponent somewhere on the future flat-track of your life, you'll simply picture that good old Peter Jones, reposition your mouth guard and send that heartless jerk a-flying.

See all the tryout details on the Maine Roller Derby website.

You must be registered to attend the tryouts. Email terrorbyte@mainerollerderby.com to sign up.

*Names changed to protect my pride.